Living In Spite Of...

As I am trying to build my support system, I'm finding that it is a lonely process. You hang out with people less, you dial back communication, and sometimes you just delete them out of your life altogether.

Although I miss love (that's what I'll call it) infinitely, I don't mind being alone, it's just the feelings that creep in that causes the lonliess. That and ultimately the fact that I do want a mate, a partner in life, love, spiritiuality, and lust eventually. I pray for the strength daily to continue becoming better. Today was just a sad and lonely one.

You know that if no one else loves you...I do. Nite.

SB

on pins and needles I sit
hopeful that I'll be noticed

the holding pattern I've put myself in continuously circles round
alone, but willing to start over

eager for a new life to take shape
nothing more to be said or explained

but words unspoken seem to echo the loudest
I realize that I too am a good man and a prize to be had

spiritual, devoted, true, and loving
sensual, giving, protecting, and open

silly me for hoping and then expecting
take care of me has never rung more true

never again will I deny my self worth
my penance is paid, I'll prove myself no more

amazing the power loving you from the inside out holds
I have embraced my soul and spirit, nurture and protect them I shall

lessons learned, tears cried, spirit restored
my love, time, and friendship wasted on those unwilling and not wanting no longer

The lyrics....beautiful, poignant, and as always right on time to help the emotion free itself. Thank you Father. Amen.

Angels Cry
Mariah Carey
Memoirs of An Imperfect Angel


I shouldn't have walked away
I would have stayed, if you’d said
We could've made everything okay,
but we just
threw the blame back and forth.
We treated love like a sport.
The final blow hit so low I'm still on the ground.
I couldn't prepare myself for this fall.
Shattered in pieces curled on the floor.
Supernatural, love conquers all.
Remember we used to touch the sky?

(Chorus)
And lightning don't strike
the same place twice.
When you and I
Said goodbye
I felt the angels cry.
True love’s a gift.
But we let it drift
in the storm.
Every night,
I feel the angels cry.

Come on babe,Can our love be revived?
Bring it back and we gon' make it right.
I'm on the edge just trying to survive,
as the angels cry.

Limitless omnipresent kind of love.
Couldn’t have guessed. It would just stop
and disappear, in a worldwind
here I am
walking on this narrow rope.
Wobbling but won't let go.
Waiting for a glimpse of the suns glow.

I know I can stand just pull me back up.
There ain’t a hurricane it’s just us.
I'm willing to live and die for our love.
Baby we can get back that shine.

(Repeat Chorus)

baby I'm missin
Don't allow our love to lose
We gotta ride it through
I'm reachin for you

(Chorus version 2)
And lightning don't strike
the same place twice.
When you and I
Said goodbye
I felt the angels cry.
True love’s a gift
But we let it slip
in the storm.
Every night,
I feel the angels cry.

I have always been raised to appreciate music in it's entirety. Music, melody, and most especially the lyrics. As a performer and somewhat of a vocalist I have been training myself to release into whatever moment a particular piece of choreography, music, lyric or combination thereof communicates to me.

In my ever present moment of reflection I have come across Angels Cry from Mariah's Memoirs of An Imperfect Angel. This current project of hers takes me back to why I have always adored Mariah. She is a very deliberate lyricist. I admire songwriters and conversation that is clear, deliberate, sometimes deep and that employ the use of words that make you think beyond their surface intent to get to the heart of the matter.

In the beginning of the 2nd verse of Angels Cry she speaks of a "limitless, omnipresent kind of love..." that somehow gets lost in a "whirlwind". Although it may appear sappy and overly sentimental. If you've been in love where it was your everything and almost God like, but didn't quite make it there for a variety of reasons, you know what she is trying to say. For me Mariah as a lyricist and (when she puts in work) as a vocalist has always used and sung words that often mean MORE than...what they mean.

When we study foreign languages we are taught that certain words (escuchar, to listen) have deeper meanings than just the action they imply. That is how some of Mariah's and most lyrics move and inspire me. This song inspires me to hope for love...although sad in some respects, Mimi is still singing about a sort of redemption in love. You learn the lessons and always do better when love presents itself again.

This is one of my absolute favorite Chaka Khan songs...I have a few. This is from 1981 follow up to Naughty, What 'Cha Gonna Do For Me. I was a youngin' maybe 6 or 7 when my mom would play this record (yes RECORD, as in VINYL get into it!) and it would make me move everytime.

To this day if I hear this in a club, the rhythm takes over and I am in a trance. Chaka's vocals, the music, the build up in the bridge of the song, and lyrically it is off the charts. I had a reminisce with this song. Love is so powerful and real when you know someone inside out, heart to heart...powerful and unmoving. They clearly don't do it like this anymore. Get it Chaka!! Get it Love!!

Chaka Khan

I Know You, I Live You
What 'Cha Gonna Do For Me

It's not difficult for me to say I love you
It wouldn't be difficult if
you would say the same
And believe me when I tell you
that I know you very well
I know you like I know my name

I think that I have met you
somewhere in my dreams
I may never have met you at all
And I know you must be thinking,
"What a silly girl"
I know your every thought and scheme

I wake up to the feeling each morning
I go to bed to it at night
I know you, I love you

Like I feel the sun in the morning
Like I see the moon at night
I know you as if I've known you all my life
I love you, I live you

One day you'll realize we're not strangers
If you'll open up your eyes and know me too
And see that we were meant to
be together, my dear
And all the rest is up to you

I wake up to the feeling each morning
I go to bed to it at night
I know you, I love you

Like I feel the sun in the morning
Like I see the moon at night
I feel you as if you've been a part of me
I know you, I love you

Like I feel the sun in the morning
Like I see the moon at night
I think I know you more than you know yourself
I know you, I live you
Know you, live you
Know you, love you
Know you

And without me you'd stumble
And without you I'd fall
Without each other we would not be at all

I've had enough heartache, and enough headache. I've had so many ups and downs, don't know how much more I can take. I decided, that I cried my last tears....yesterday.

I am not now what I was yesterday. And I am not now what I shall be tomorrow. So you do yourself an injustice to judge me by yesterday, when I have moved on.

There is always a moment in your life when you wake up and you have the stirring in your soul that says...today is the day I claim what is mine...and you begin to walk towards it.

Nothing you didn't do matters because everyday is a new opportunity. The mistakes made are memories and although you have learned from them, they no longer effect your present. You no longer allow them to block God's grace from your life.

I cannot explain enough how joyous of a feeling it is. May you have the same. Love you.


SB

Today, I woke up feeling....relieved. I really believe that my life is going to be a fantastic one. :o)